Archiv der Kategorie 'fließende Texte'

Liebe Freund*innen. (Hold on to goldene Schnatz-Momente)

Liebe Freund*innen.
Viele von euch haben gerade zu kämpfen, mit euch, mit allem irgendwie. Dieser Herbst, scheint es, haut richtig rein und viele um. Sicher hat das, neben allen persönlichen Faktoren, auch mit der politischen Lage zu tun. Mit all den erschreckenden Bildern, grusligen Entwicklungen, bedrohlichen Szenarien, die Tag für Tag wie kalte Zugluft unter unsere Haut kriechen und da wie ein kalter Nebel kleben bleiben. (Ach ja, wie geringdosierte Dementoren, genau.) Wer weiß, vielleicht kommt dazu das Klima und seine Ausreißer, vielleicht ist unsere leibliche Stabilität in der dörrenden Hitze dieses Sommers eingetrocknet wie unser Rasen bis zu den Wurzeln und die wiederkehrende Kälte und Dunkelheit trifft uns unvorbereitet, als hätten unsere Körper in dieser wüstenhaften Zeit vergessen, was Herbst und anbrechender Winter heißt. Wie unvorbereitet stehe ich in einer Jahreszeit, die doch jedes Jahr vorhersehbar ist, die ich so oft erlebt habe. Naja, vielleicht hat es auch damit nichts zu tun.

Liebe Freund*innen.
Bitte lasst euch eure Hoffnung oder euren Lebenswillen nicht vergiften. Schaut euch um und seht, wer alles da ist: Queere Familien, feministische Freund*innennetze, WGs als geborgene Schutzhütten und als kämpferische Barrikaden gegen alles was da draußen brandet, politische Freund*innen und solche Menschen und Beziehungen, denen wir gar keine Namen geben können, aber die alles bedeuten, wofür wir stehen. Gerade in ihrer Verschiedenheit und mit ihren Eigenheiten.

Liebe Freund*innen.
Bitte seht, was alles noch geht. All das Gute, meine ich. Bitte lasst euch nicht den Atem rauben, eure Projekte und Pläne zu schmieden, die das Gute voller, schöner, glitzernder, stabiler machen. Es gibt so viele Möglichkeiten. Vergesst nicht, was alles Gutes passiert, wer von euren Freund*innen, von euch, von uns, allein dieses Jahr wundervolle Dinge geschafft, geschaffen, erreicht, überwunden hat. Die großen Geschenke und die kleinen, so unsagbar wichtig grundlegenden Schritte. Ich bin so dankbar, so viel davon mit euch zu teilen.

Liebe Freund*innen.
Bitte seid gut zu euch und schenkt euch selbst so viel Mitgefühl wie euren Lieben. Nicht weniger habt ihr verdient und es tut weh zu sehen, wenn ihr euch so behandelt, wie ich euch von niemandem behandelt sehen will. Sprecht nicht wie Unterdrücker*innen oder abuser mit euch selbst, don’t beat yourself down. Manchmal kann das der schwerste Schritt sein. Wir leben mit Unterdrückung und so viel kollektivem gaslighting; wir werden die Sichtweise der uns unterdrückenden Position vielleicht nicht los. Aber lasst sie uns aus unserem Inneren so weit wie möglich verbannen und verdrängen, bis sie nur noch an ein paar Punkten ganz außen in unseren Gliedmaßen sitzt, wo wir sie isolieren und von unserem tiefsten Inneren fernhalten. Gentrifizieren wir den shit out of our oppresser’s voice in uns. Nutzen wir den freigewordenen Raum für wertvollere Gefühle und Gedanken, bestärken wir uns lieber selbst – und diesen Raum einnehmen zu wollen kommt andere teuer zu stehen. Außer es bereichert uns, dann wollen wir ihn verschenken.

Liebe Freund*innen.
Findet den Punkt in euch drin, bei mir sitzt er irgendwo schräg rechts, zwischen Brust und Bauch, den ihr nur findet wenn ihr ganz ruhig seid und ohne Vorbehalte gegen euch selbst, der Punkt der wie ein feste Basis ist, an die ihr einhaken könnt, der euch grounded und euch sagt: du stehst mit beiden Beinen auf dem Boden und du stehst sicher genug, zu dir selbst, um weitergehen zu können. Aber für einen Moment bleib nur stehen und wisse, dass du nicht das ganze Getöse um dich herum bist, sondern dass es dich noch gibt und dass du genug bist, wenn du für dich alleine stehst.

Liebe Freund*innen.
Hört die Podcasts, bei denen ihr das Gefühl habt, dass euch jemand durch den Äther hindurch die Hand reicht und ihr euch festhaltet. Sucht die Bilder der Menschen, bei denen etwas in euch sagt: ja! Ja ja ja! Hört die Talks, seht die Serien oder schaut die Dokumentationen, die euch glauben lassen: es geht. Es geht anders. Es gibt Ansätze. Es gibt Mitgefühl. Es gibt Kämpfe, die sich lohnen. Es gibt Menschen, die für etwas wirklich Gutes eintreten.

Liebe Freund*innen.
Haltet in euch Ausschau nach Impulsen für Dinge, die ihr wollt. Wir haben das so oft verloren. Wenn es irgendwie möglich ist, macht das, was der Impuls euch sagt. Es ist so leicht zu sagen; tu dir was Gutes. Und manchmal so schwer zu wissen, was das wäre. Zu fühlen. Wenn ihr einen Impuls findet, der Ja! zu etwas sagt: fangt ihn ein wie einen Schnatz und folgt ihm, er gibt euch Kraft und Mut. Und die brauchen wir. Wir brauchen viele kleine goldene Schnatz-Momente. Wir brauchen unsere Kraft und unseren Mut und wir müssen Lachen und Pläne schmieden und genug schlafen und essen und wir brauchen feministisch Kreatives so sehr wie warme Socken, politische Utopien und einer Idee davon, worauf wir Lust haben.

(How to get) Closure and: the Trouble Around Manifestations of Love

It was rather lately that I unburdened (potential) relationships in my life from the challenge of proving to me (and to the rest of the world) that I deserved to be loved. This might sound plain and obvious, but I have not been aware of this expectation of mine until I found myself in a place in my life where I could finally let go of it. Before I often struggled with lots of frustration and tension in close relationships and felt like I needed to be chasing after something that was withdrawn from me over and over again. For now I’d say that I am mostly cured of this perception, luckily.

In a relationship, at times you might feel not loved or cared for enough or even disrespected.
Maybe because the other person promised something they didn’t live up to, or violated some agreements that you had or – seeing it as broader concept – they didn’t fulfill expectations you had.

You might feel justified for expecting certain acts of love (commitment, thoughtfulness …) because you ‘put in’ as much and more yourself. There are several pitfalls in this (mehr…)

Motivational Love Letter for my Comrade

[… and for me and for anyone who can relate]

“I have to go where the love is and where the love is, is hope of community” (bell hooks)

I will not watch you letting yourself down just because you failed today.
You didn‘t live up to your own expectations at some point, but neither of us does.
To put it even more to the point: it is clear that you will fail at some points, because you are dreaming and aiming very high. But that’s also what we need you for – it is your strength to create visions that seem unreachable to me; as well as to work towards them and – maybe most important to me – to make us work towards them, too.
Because that’s what you do. You burst out into the world with ideas and plans that at first sight seem aiming far too high in my judgment, that take too many steps at once and regard things to be far too easy. But you convince me to take a deeper look at them, you challenge me to name the pitfalls – which means to think about it really hard and starting to engage in the process already (mehr…)

The Magnifying Glass Technique. Gross Close-Ups on Patriarchal Misogyny

[tl/dr: „I think that maybe, I‘m going crazy…“]

Sitting down with my laptop next to a parking lot (because I forgot my paper notebook at home, stupid me), sunlight is fading and night is spreading into the city while I type in one stream of consciousness…

I regard myself to be rather reasonable, patient, fairly rational and socially capable (this might be pretentious, but people keep telling me that, so let’s not be too modest here).
In normal social life.
But as soon as it comes to romantic love or similar intense relationships, I just keep losing my mind.
These relationships can – at moments – feel terrifying.
No matter how calm and clear and self-assured I act in some moments, I surely will freak out in others and I just can‘t make it stop.
Which is especially upsetting since the intensity of my feelings that go with the tragedy I create in my mind are completely not coherent with my rational analysis of the situation. (mehr…)

Katharsis im Kartonformat

Wenn Situationen geschehen, in denen eine_r sich ohnmächtig fühlt – vor allem wenn mehrere davon zusammenkommen – wird manchmal der ganze Panik-Angst-Schuld-Komplex in einen Karton gepackt und möglichst weit nach hinten geschoben.

Wenn der Karton nicht mehr im Zentrum der Aufmerksamkeit steht, kann er so komprimiert gut unbemerkt da hinten stehen.

Aber manchmal rappelts im Karton.
Und zwar immer dann, wenn etwas auftaucht, das an eine Sache darin erinnert. Dann rappelt gleich der ganze Karton, weil darin alles zusammen gewurschtelt ist und nicht schön sortiert darin liegt.
Dann leuchtet und blinkt die Angst-Panik-Schuld-Aufschrift auf dem Deckel wild auf und wir wollen dass sie ganz schnell wieder damit aufhört; (mehr…)

Kleines Manifesto. Eine Hommage an unsere Freund*innenschaften

[Dies ist für Euch. Mal wieder dokumentiere ich hiermit eigentlich nur die Quintessenz vieler unserer Gespräche … <3 Die Chronistin]

Freiheit
besteht für mich nicht in der Abwesenheit von Bindungen,
kann sie gar nicht.

Freiheit
besteht für mich im bewussten und lustvollen Bejahen von Bindungen, die auf Freiwilligkeit und Gegenseitigkeit beruhen und über deren Bedingungen und Formen wir, die darin Verbundenen, gemeinsam immer wieder entscheiden. (mehr…)

From Various Crushes to Committed Friendships

Cheers my friend, what a nice night this is.
And while we drink a toast to ourselves, let me tell you a story about the two of us …

Once I met this person who seemed to be quite nice. I don‘t remember when or where exactly – they just happened to be around at some point and our ways started crossing more frequently: was it at parties or demonstrations, at friends‘ or festivals, at university or in between all of that? Who can tell now …
The somewhat familiar face got connected to a name and became a person that I got to know tiny pieces about; out of each meeting, new pieces – like swapped sentences and looks – were glued to the lose bundle of impressions, as glittering, solid or ominous hints about this person and the stories of their life.
Small, fragile connections were made in this several little moments and they began to build crosslinks (mehr…)

Performing Distance

[this text was already old when it was written and so it is even older when being published…]

„Are we going to meet your new girlfriend tonight?“ I ask my friend who I visit for the weekend.
„No, she’s busy“ he replies. „Would you have liked to?“
„It depends“ I explain. „Not if it’s only the three of us. I‘m really not keen on that situation where I sit on the other side of the table, waving at you, smiling like an idiot, assureing No no, the two of you sit closer together, I‘ll stay here, or better two more meters away. No no, I don‘t mind that at all, look how happy and casual I act towards the two of you!“
My friend stares at me, seemingly even less puzzled than disturbed.
I might have exaggerated a bit, but this is exactly how I feel in these situations.
I call it Performing Distance.
And he obviously has no idea what I am talking about … (mehr…)

How is Trust Possible? The Issue of Power Dynamics

Developing a personal relationship, working on a political project or spending a few days in a hut together: no matter for what kind of cooperation, I need to know how much I can trust you.
(Yes, actually it is more realistic and safe to ask for ‚how much‘ or ‚in which respect‘ than assuming I can only either trust you under all circumstances or not at all, since the first would make me a lot more vulnerable.)
What does trust mean? Does it mean I have to believe you are a nice person? Does it mean I need prove you are not gonna physically hurt or rob me and not gonna lie to my face? Well, that might not be the worst start, but that’s not exactly the thing I have in mind.
All places, groups and relationships are influenced by power dynamics between the people involved. They might be constituted by gender, being (not) exposed to racism, income, certified level of education, age, physical ability, legal status, experience, reputation, the ability to express yourself (in a certain language) … but the list cannot be complete and the relevant factors differ for each situation.
Power dynamics cannot be abolished by ignoring or denying them.
So what does trust mean in this context? (mehr…)

Feminist Love Letters for Anarchist Relationships [Part I+II]

… to my male* comrades.
I‘ve written quite some of them by now …
Have you ever received one? No? You‘re sure? You might not have recognized them as such. They differ quite much from what is usually expected from a love letter.

  • … Probably they don‘t include „you‘re my one and only“, but rather: „you are one of several persons I really care about“;
  • … they usually don‘t say: „forget everyone else, think of no one else but me“, but rather: „it is important for me that you keep stable relationships of any kind to several people, because I can‘t be your only social, emotional resource – be faithful to others and I believe you can be faithful to me“;
  • … you won‘t read „stay with me forever“, but rather: „I will go or let you go so we can lead the lives we decided – and if we will come back to meet, we will both know that we really want to be with each other at that moment“;
  • … this letter will not ask you: „promise to love me, only me and never leave me“; but rather: „let me know who I am to you and what you see in us; let’s be honest to each other, so we can work out how things are gonna be between us and with other people involved“;
  • … for sure there will be no „we will be one and never alone again“, bur rather: „I do have my own life, my own opinion, my own space. I enjoy being with you, but I will not give up myself, I am still an independent person“;
  • … don‘t expect „I long for your kisses“, but rather: „I like the [non]physical relationship we have“ or „I‘d like to change our [non]physical relationship [in one or the other way]“;
  • … there will be no „I‘d do anything for you“; but rather: „you‘re my comrade, my lover, my friend – our relationship is based on mutual respect for each other, so I‘ll do my best to respect your boundaries as well as my own; I want us to take care for each other on a consensual basis; also I will do what’s in my power to support you and to carry your struggles in my heart, as much as I ask you to do the same for me“;
  • … you won‘t find „your love is the only thing to me, my life and happiness depends on that“, but rather: „I like you; I enjoy to spend time with you, be close to you; you mean something to me or I offer you to be a meaningful person to me – but my life is of worth, no matter if you will accept or reject my offer; also my love will not be given without condition“.

This might be confusing, so I want to make it very clear: in contrast to a “mainstream love letter”, a writer of a a feminist love letter for anarchist relationships (the letter itself will not be called like that) will NOT promise you to be a convenient care taker, bed sharer and prestige object – rather she* will demand you to be a trustworthy ally, a supporter of antisexist struggles, the preparedness of reflecting yourself, of being willing to reconsider things, to get educated, to listen, to question your perception and finally to act according to that. Accepting you‘re not half as feminist as you consider yourself to be might be an appropriate first step.

Really, this is one main point: get educated! Learn how to act less sexist – yes, I said less, yes, I mean you; no, this is not obsolete for you, if you think it is, please go right back to step one: accept you‘re not half as feminist as you consider yourself to be. … I did fight with too many men* to make them aware of the sexism they inherit and the sexist structures they feed; I have put so much heart and soul, energy and time on educating men* … My love letters of these kind have rarely been written out of pure joy, but most often right in the middle of this struggle and quite close to giving up on it … I don‘t want to have to find out if a comrade, lover, friend is willing to accept this demands when it’s almost too late; so if you wanna be someone who means something to me, then let me know if you‘re prepared for this. If not, I‘d be glad to know, because it will spare me lots of trouble and false hopes.

When writing these letters, I always feel relieved and heavy-hearted at once: relieved because I feel I did the right thing and stated transparently and honest what I expect; heavy-hearted because I still have to write these letters, to explain all the basic things, to be the one starting this … and because they are most often not recognised as what they are, but mistaken as complaint or apologies, but not as an honest offer and a sign of my trust and effort.

What I would really want? I would really want you to thank me for these letters, even and especially if they sound like accuses and demands in your ears. I want you to read them twice, at least, before you reply to me and thank me for my time and effort and trust. And that you think about what you‘re gonna do. And let me know. And keep thinking about it. And read the letter again after a day, after a week, after a month, after a year – and reflect on how your view changes. I will of course not want to check on that, because you‘re gonna do it for yourself, not for me. I want you to talk about it with other people, with other men* (don‘ just bother other women* with it, please). I want you to come back to me when you finally understood some of the things I‘ve written. Let me know you care.

In anyway be aware:
I do not live for you. I do not live to please you. I do not live to make you feel convenient. I do not live to educate you. This is my life and my energy and my body and my time. I decided to give some of it to write this letter: to make you aware, to show you what it is I expect and what you can expect in return; to give you the choice either to commit to this and know I will be committed, or not to. Either to accept or to reject my demands and my offer of faithful companionship and honest friendship (or in other words: anarchist relationship) that I call love.

[dedicated to my loved ones who did read these letters, and the ones who got the verbal versions and the ones who might take my offers – weirdly enough they mostly start with M. or J. … ]

… to my female* and trans* friends.
I haven‘t written enough of them.
Because I can never write enough to thank each one of you for all you have done and about all you mean to me.
Some of you call yourselves feminists, others don‘t. Few of you call yourselves anarchists or anarchafeminists. But this isn‘t of much matter, since our relationships have mostly always been of feminist solidarity and anarchist structures:

  • … you are the ones who have always believed in me, who have seen my strength and my value when I couldn‘t and who reminded me of who I was when I wasn‘t sure any more;
  • … you have always shown basic respect to me, in matters of communication, agreements, physical contact, general attention, concerning the way I lead my life;
  • … you are the ones who have been honest with me, about yourselves, about me, about us, about other things and people concerning my life or our relationships;
  • … you have always respected other relationships, have seen the importance of several and different relationships;
  • … we have never promised each other ‚forever‘ and never expected to ‚freeze‘ our relationship as it is; we are always aware that it changes and we say ‚yes‘ to our relationship each time we transform it;
  • … we have always found a way to maintain our relationships, despite daily life, work and families, different towns or different rhythms of sleep, different interests, subcultures and circles of friends;
  • … we leave each other space …
  • … you are the ones who have always been standing by me; you have always been there when I was in trouble; you have tried to understand my pains, my sorrows, my fights;
  • … you have always been support and part of my struggles, through listening, sharing experiences, advice, emotional support, taking care of basic things I couldn‘t manage at times, reading what I write, cheering me up, letting me know my opinion is of matter.
  • You are the ones who taught me what faithful, honest relationships within a net of equally/individually valuable companions, lovers, friends look like – or, in a feminist and anarchist sense, what I call love.

    [Dedicated to R, M, J, D, L, C, M, P, S, E, L, P, A, L, T… just to mention some of them…]