Archiv der Kategorie 'English'

(How to get) Closure and: the Trouble Around Manifestations of Love

It was rather lately that I unburdened (potential) relationships in my life from the challenge of proving to me (and to the rest of the world) that I deserved to be loved. This might sound plain and obvious, but I have not been aware of this expectation of mine until I found myself in a place in my life where I could finally let go of it. Before I often struggled with lots of frustration and tension in close relationships and felt like I needed to be chasing after something that was withdrawn from me over and over again. For now I’d say that I am mostly cured of this perception, luckily.

In a relationship, at times you might feel not loved or cared for enough or even disrespected.
Maybe because the other person promised something they didn’t live up to, or violated some agreements that you had or – seeing it as broader concept – they didn’t fulfill expectations you had.

You might feel justified for expecting certain acts of love (commitment, thoughtfulness …) because you ‘put in’ as much and more yourself. There are several pitfalls in this (mehr…)

Motivational Love Letter for my Comrade

[… and for me and for anyone who can relate]

“I have to go where the love is and where the love is, is hope of community” (bell hooks)

I will not watch you letting yourself down just because you failed today.
You didn‘t live up to your own expectations at some point, but neither of us does.
To put it even more to the point: it is clear that you will fail at some points, because you are dreaming and aiming very high. But that’s also what we need you for – it is your strength to create visions that seem unreachable to me; as well as to work towards them and – maybe most important to me – to make us work towards them, too.
Because that’s what you do. You burst out into the world with ideas and plans that at first sight seem aiming far too high in my judgment, that take too many steps at once and regard things to be far too easy. But you convince me to take a deeper look at them, you challenge me to name the pitfalls – which means to think about it really hard and starting to engage in the process already (mehr…)

affection and time

(this should be a painting)

affection and time
work in different directions (mehr…)

The Magnifying Glass Technique. Gross Close-Ups on Patriarchal Misogyny

[tl/dr: „I think that maybe, I‘m going crazy…“]

Sitting down with my laptop next to a parking lot (because I forgot my paper notebook at home, stupid me), sunlight is fading and night is spreading into the city while I type in one stream of consciousness…

I regard myself to be rather reasonable, patient, fairly rational and socially capable (this might be pretentious, but people keep telling me that, so let’s not be too modest here).
In normal social life.
But as soon as it comes to romantic love or similar intense relationships, I just keep losing my mind.
These relationships can – at moments – feel terrifying.
No matter how calm and clear and self-assured I act in some moments, I surely will freak out in others and I just can‘t make it stop.
Which is especially upsetting since the intensity of my feelings that go with the tragedy I create in my mind are completely not coherent with my rational analysis of the situation. (mehr…)

self-recognition, finally

I am
paper cyborg


(not only. but it’s a major part)

Scheinwidersprüche: war on holiday

Urlaub in Italien
Tourismus, Essen, Faulenzen
und Krieg im Kopf
– Diktaturen, Staatsterror, Anschläge

das ist das Leben.
Diese absurden Scheinwidersprüche sind so normaler,
traurig normaler,
aber nie gezeigt …

enjoying leisure, doing nothing

can be a challenge

dares me to stand myself
doing nothing

but doing nothing
is so close to being useless,
But I need to be relevant! (mehr…)

no postcards from time island

noticed I haven‘t published anything here for a long time … well, serious writing happens elsewhere most of the time … but for this rainy september sunday a small nonsense poem, worshipping the past summer…
goes well with this cheesy song of a band my friend recently recommended …

I never had to have the time in mind

there was a time, we didn‘t really need to know more;

time was precious because time didn‘t matter

everything was worth spending time on;

time didn‘t pass, it dissolved into pleasure

[in and out of the time hole]

From Various Crushes to Committed Friendships

Cheers my friend, what a nice night this is.
And while we drink a toast to ourselves, let me tell you a story about the two of us …

Once I met this person who seemed to be quite nice. I don‘t remember when or where exactly – they just happened to be around at some point and our ways started crossing more frequently: was it at parties or demonstrations, at friends‘ or festivals, at university or in between all of that? Who can tell now …
The somewhat familiar face got connected to a name and became a person that I got to know tiny pieces about; out of each meeting, new pieces – like swapped sentences and looks – were glued to the lose bundle of impressions, as glittering, solid or ominous hints about this person and the stories of their life.
Small, fragile connections were made in this several little moments and they began to build crosslinks (mehr…)

Cheesy Lines and Poor in Language

I fell in love with your text
was the first thing I wanted to say to you

I fell for you
for all the love in your text

my mind is mixing sentences
untill all that’s left are
blank spaces

I met you
and wasn‘t prepared for your presence

I met you
in the sudden intimacy of your thoughts and memories

I met you
in the unexpected spell of your voice,
which word by word builds a path that leads to your past, crossing over to feminist statements, clearly shapeing underlying truths – known all too well – into shared moments of recognition, hope and fight… (mehr…)

Performing Distance

[this text was already old when it was written and so it is even older when being published…]

„Are we going to meet your new girlfriend tonight?“ I ask my friend who I visit for the weekend.
„No, she’s busy“ he replies. „Would you have liked to?“
„It depends“ I explain. „Not if it’s only the three of us. I‘m really not keen on that situation where I sit on the other side of the table, waving at you, smiling like an idiot, assureing No no, the two of you sit closer together, I‘ll stay here, or better two more meters away. No no, I don‘t mind that at all, look how happy and casual I act towards the two of you!“
My friend stares at me, seemingly even less puzzled than disturbed.
I might have exaggerated a bit, but this is exactly how I feel in these situations.
I call it Performing Distance.
And he obviously has no idea what I am talking about … (mehr…)