Archiv der Kategorie '"Getting Rid of the Shame and the Shit" (Zine-Texte)'

“Being in love creeps me out” – Thoughts on Beauty, Power and Attractiveness I

Being in love / being attracted to someone creeps me out.
Honestly. I am not talking about excited nervousness, fear of bonding or doubts about how a relationship should proceed (all of this is fairly sufficient to creep one out, I may add).
I‘m talking about a state of mind that leaves me constantly alarmed; checking on myself about each second, with such sharp criteria, I can hardly overcome high-level tension, confusion and inability to act. It renders me scatterbrained and unable to deal with the easiest tasks/situations.
As pointed out, I am not even focusing on the aim of the other person liking me or on proceeding things between us. I am stuck at the urgent pressure of presenting myself attractive to them.

>Beauty standards< : if you have managed to get them out of your head for a while (in my case, abandoning TV, finishing school and avoiding a lot of 'main stream' places/parties surely had a share in it) - falling in love or attempting to be recognised by someone you are attracted to instantly brings all this unwelcome knowledge back; in its tiniest aspects, offering a complete analysis of where you've failed to accomplish them, within record time. Thank you, brain, for providing this helpful information. (mehr…)

There is Nothing Wrong With You – Thoughts on (not) Being Part of a Couple II

„Do you have a boyfriend?“ - How much I‘ve always hated that question.
Luckily people who know me have stopped asking me years ago.
So. Not living as part of a couple-relationship, hm? Right. Still. Not easy though.

I‘ve always had a loving family; I‘ve always had close friends, caring special people; I‘ve always been part of one or the other community.
[And on a slightly related note: believe it or don‘t, but breaking up with a friend or a community is an actual breakup to me.]
I‘ve always been happy and thankful about that.
Yet I used to think there needs to be more … People and media don‘t ask if you‘d like to engage in a couple-relationship – they take it for granted and ask about the who/when/how. And you end up feeling really weird, worried and at some point ashamed about not ‚getting‘ one: What’s wrong with me?! You try to optimize yourself – or your standards.

You have seen – let’s say – all kinds of people ‚getting‘ boyfriends or girlfriends, how can you not ‚get‘ any? … One day you‘re sure it’s your standards (you just have too specific ideas), the other day you look into your mirror and you understand why no one wants to be with you, cause you must be really wrong and not worth it and you‘re full of disgust and hate and shame and you wish no one will ever ask you again if you have a boyfriend, cause you‘d have to say no and they would know and you will feel like a total fail …

Cruel thing, it’s always the subtle mechanisms that work best for making you assimilate – cause it’s really uncomfortable not to match the criteria of ‚normality‘ and success.

But what makes couple-relationships so interesting anyway?
Some nice aspects associated with couple-relationships I can think of: (mehr…)

Under Pressure – Thoughts on (not) Having Sex II

Check your calender. Update your schedule. Keep up with your to-do-list. Look at your watch. Answer your emails, answer your phone. Fulfill your duties, think ahead, keep the overview. Keep sitting on your chair. Take the shortest way, no time to take a walk outside. It’s time to eat, you should feel hungry now. Time to go to bed, lots of things are waiting in the morning. It’s time to get up, can‘t rest, you need to check your calender …

Again you haven‘t found the time to meet that friend you promised to call two weeks ago; you‘re too tired to go outside now; you talked to someone you like on th street, but both of you were in a hurry; you wanted to write a letter months ago but haven‘t yet found the peace to focus on it and give it all the time and space that needs; you wanted to cook that special recipe but didn‘t want to do it alone and couldn‘t organize yet with a friend; and instead of going swimming you needed to work on this thing, all the time alone in front of your computer …

The movie you‘re watching in the end of the day is pure emotion and action – risky moves and body discipline, exploding things and everything that increases thrill until the total tension; or exploding feelings, people who seemingly spend all their lives in a constant switchover from being in love to jealousy, from rage to desperateness, from grief to revelation, from ecstasy to fear – all in motion, embodied emotion-hyper-thrill …
Of course all these ‚people‘ have sex. No matter if the plot is based on a romantic story and the protagonists finally fall in love … if someone is looking for adventures and ends up taking drugs, listening to rock‘n'roll … if the gangster did beat all his (let’s be pragmatic here – they are 99% male) enemies, blew up all cars and celebrates his victory with the ‚hot‘ woman he gained on top of all the money …
Sex is set a the highest point of tension, it’s shown as the mystical melting-into-each-other, the most intense state of body experience and happiness, the biggest sign of power and strength and the greatest reward.

And here you are. In front of the black screen.
And in the static emptiness of neutral flavor your scattered brain slowly starts wondering: What about all those promises? (mehr…)

What my Attitude Tells – Thoughts on (not) Having Sex I

Sometimes when I am frustrated about not having any sex with other people lately/on a regular basis, I need to be reminded I don‘t want to have just any sex with anyone.

„ … and people know by your attitude what kind of sex you want to have“ my friend said. Wait – what kind?! I stopped complaining for a moment, confused. What is that supposed to mean? …
I had been moaning to my friend about sleeping alone all the time; being fed up with the dilemma of either spoiling my chances with my too-confident-being-upright-not-girlish-enough attitude or being flirty-oh-my-god-you‘re-so-awesome-I-laugh-about-all-your-incredible-jokes-girlish and puking over my own behavior before I am drunk enough not to care anymore …
„But honestly, how many guys are there on an average night you would like to have sex with…?“ she asks. Well. Hm. Interesting enough to check out? Some. Considering flirting with? Few. Kissing? Hard to tell. Have sex with? „Argh, alright. Usually there aren‘t any I would really go for.“ And keeping in mind the consequences you need to deal with afterwards, especially if you don‘t know them very well – or worse, if you do knot them well – and you‘ll meet them all the time … All that figuring out, makes you think twice if it’s worth risking the trouble …

„ … know what kind of sex you want to have.“
It’s true, thinking about it … it never did cross my mind what I regard basic to sexual interaction might not meet any body’s ideas. But of course, in a way I have a quite clear idea about “what kind” of sex I want to have (mehr…)

Patchwork Romance – Thoughts on the Term „RZB“/“Romantic Couple-Relationship“

„RZB/Romantische Zweierbeziehung“ – „Romantic Couple-Relationship“ – … I keep hearing/reading that term whenever „open“ and „normative/classical“ models of relationships are discussed (in German language) … And I can‘t help but being skeptical about it.

… Romance … What even is romance? What’s romantic?
There’s a lot of clichés coming to my mind (including a latent feeling of disgust, obligation and plastic flowers), as well as a bunch of little things I do feel romantic about, but don‘t match what’s commonly regarded to be ‚romantic‘.
It’s quite difficult to say what the ‚essence‘ of romantic things is … but maybe that’s just the refreshing, unique, precious part about it.

Romantic is something that you do just to show the other person(s) you care about them and make them feel appreciated. It emerges from the effort you take to reveal them your love (no matter what kind of love that is). Romantic is something that shows you think about that person while they are not present – that they are present to you and that you give thoughts to what they like, what could make them smile, basically who they are (to you). (mehr…)

The Shared Story Bonus – Thoughts on (not) BeingPart of a Couple I

One reason to live as a couple – I dare assume – is to have that one person everything to share with.
To share your whole life with (even if only for a while)
- all the tiny aspects, all the changes and developments, the joys and fears and contradictions, the infinite accumulation of moments that make you… -
the one person to share (and thereby experience) your life as a whole.

The one person to narrate your life, to form a story out of all the restless, loose, unconnected aspects of a lifetime’s experience.
Someone who tells the story of your past, right up till the very moment and into the future.
Your story’s told without anyone talking.

Presenting yourselves as a couple performs a story already. (mehr…)