Archiv der Kategorie '"Getting Rid of the Shame and the Shit" (Zine-Texte)'

(How to get) Closure and: the Trouble Around Manifestations of Love

It was rather lately that I unburdened (potential) relationships in my life from the challenge of proving to me (and to the rest of the world) that I deserved to be loved. This might sound plain and obvious, but I have not been aware of this expectation of mine until I found myself in a place in my life where I could finally let go of it. Before I often struggled with lots of frustration and tension in close relationships and felt like I needed to be chasing after something that was withdrawn from me over and over again. For now I’d say that I am mostly cured of this perception, luckily.

In a relationship, at times you might feel not loved or cared for enough or even disrespected.
Maybe because the other person promised something they didn’t live up to, or violated some agreements that you had or – seeing it as broader concept – they didn’t fulfill expectations you had.

You might feel justified for expecting certain acts of love (commitment, thoughtfulness …) because you ‘put in’ as much and more yourself. There are several pitfalls in this (mehr…)

Motivational Love Letter for my Comrade

[… and for me and for anyone who can relate]

“I have to go where the love is and where the love is, is hope of community” (bell hooks)

I will not watch you letting yourself down just because you failed today.
You didn‘t live up to your own expectations at some point, but neither of us does.
To put it even more to the point: it is clear that you will fail at some points, because you are dreaming and aiming very high. But that’s also what we need you for – it is your strength to create visions that seem unreachable to me; as well as to work towards them and – maybe most important to me – to make us work towards them, too.
Because that’s what you do. You burst out into the world with ideas and plans that at first sight seem aiming far too high in my judgment, that take too many steps at once and regard things to be far too easy. But you convince me to take a deeper look at them, you challenge me to name the pitfalls – which means to think about it really hard and starting to engage in the process already (mehr…)

The Magnifying Glass Technique. Gross Close-Ups on Patriarchal Misogyny

[tl/dr: „I think that maybe, I‘m going crazy…“]

Sitting down with my laptop next to a parking lot (because I forgot my paper notebook at home, stupid me), sunlight is fading and night is spreading into the city while I type in one stream of consciousness…

I regard myself to be rather reasonable, patient, fairly rational and socially capable (this might be pretentious, but people keep telling me that, so let’s not be too modest here).
In normal social life.
But as soon as it comes to romantic love or similar intense relationships, I just keep losing my mind.
These relationships can – at moments – feel terrifying.
No matter how calm and clear and self-assured I act in some moments, I surely will freak out in others and I just can‘t make it stop.
Which is especially upsetting since the intensity of my feelings that go with the tragedy I create in my mind are completely not coherent with my rational analysis of the situation. (mehr…)

Kleines Manifesto. Eine Hommage an unsere Freund*innenschaften

[Dies ist für Euch. Mal wieder dokumentiere ich hiermit eigentlich nur die Quintessenz vieler unserer Gespräche … <3 Die Chronistin]

besteht für mich nicht in der Abwesenheit von Bindungen,
kann sie gar nicht.

besteht für mich im bewussten und lustvollen Bejahen von Bindungen, die auf Freiwilligkeit und Gegenseitigkeit beruhen und über deren Bedingungen und Formen wir, die darin Verbundenen, gemeinsam immer wieder entscheiden. (mehr…)

From Various Crushes to Committed Friendships

Cheers my friend, what a nice night this is.
And while we drink a toast to ourselves, let me tell you a story about the two of us …

Once I met this person who seemed to be quite nice. I don‘t remember when or where exactly – they just happened to be around at some point and our ways started crossing more frequently: was it at parties or demonstrations, at friends‘ or festivals, at university or in between all of that? Who can tell now …
The somewhat familiar face got connected to a name and became a person that I got to know tiny pieces about; out of each meeting, new pieces – like swapped sentences and looks – were glued to the lose bundle of impressions, as glittering, solid or ominous hints about this person and the stories of their life.
Small, fragile connections were made in this several little moments and they began to build crosslinks (mehr…)

Performing Distance

[this text was already old when it was written and so it is even older when being published…]

„Are we going to meet your new girlfriend tonight?“ I ask my friend who I visit for the weekend.
„No, she’s busy“ he replies. „Would you have liked to?“
„It depends“ I explain. „Not if it’s only the three of us. I‘m really not keen on that situation where I sit on the other side of the table, waving at you, smiling like an idiot, assureing No no, the two of you sit closer together, I‘ll stay here, or better two more meters away. No no, I don‘t mind that at all, look how happy and casual I act towards the two of you!“
My friend stares at me, seemingly even less puzzled than disturbed.
I might have exaggerated a bit, but this is exactly how I feel in these situations.
I call it Performing Distance.
And he obviously has no idea what I am talking about … (mehr…)

Wie ist Vertrauen in Strukturen möglich? (Part II – ‚taktische‘ Erwägungen)

Bestimmte Räume bewusst zu verlassen

– weil ich gemerkt habe (oft auf schmerzvolle Weise), dass meine Betroffenheiten & dementsprechend Notwendigkeiten/Bedürfnisse
hinsichtlich politischer, sozialer, persönlicher Handlungen
nicht gesehen, verstanden, respektiert, einbezogen wurden –

war für mich ein wichtiger Schritt

um meine eigenen Belange, meine Themen & Ziele,
meine Bedürfnisse, Grenzen und Kämpfe
auszuloten, zu erkennen, zu setzen.

Weil ‚Bündnispolitik‘ für mich oft klang nach: (mehr…)

Wie ist Vertrauen in Strukturen möglich? (Part I: Rant/Schimpftirade zum 8. März)

So, wie geschlechtsspezifisch ungleiche Verteilung von Reproarbeit
Lohnarbeitsverhältnisse erst ermöglicht
ermöglichen auch private Feminismus-Crashkurse, die ich halte,
meinen Freunden_Genossen
sich mit diesem Wissen (in) ihre(n) Politgruppen, Projekten, …
als legitim, profeministisch, links, …
zu profilieren

Wer macht sichtbare/unsichtbare Arbeit?
Wer kann sie machen?

Ich hab jahrelang fast nur unsichtbare Arbeit gemacht: (mehr…)

How is Trust Possible? The Issue of Power Dynamics

Developing a personal relationship, working on a political project or spending a few days in a hut together: no matter for what kind of cooperation, I need to know how much I can trust you.
(Yes, actually it is more realistic and safe to ask for ‚how much‘ or ‚in which respect‘ than assuming I can only either trust you under all circumstances or not at all, since the first would make me a lot more vulnerable.)
What does trust mean? Does it mean I have to believe you are a nice person? Does it mean I need prove you are not gonna physically hurt or rob me and not gonna lie to my face? Well, that might not be the worst start, but that’s not exactly the thing I have in mind.
All places, groups and relationships are influenced by power dynamics between the people involved. They might be constituted by gender, being (not) exposed to racism, income, certified level of education, age, physical ability, legal status, experience, reputation, the ability to express yourself (in a certain language) … but the list cannot be complete and the relevant factors differ for each situation.
Power dynamics cannot be abolished by ignoring or denying them.
So what does trust mean in this context? (mehr…)

To those who will live

When I die
(I don‘t know when or how
- that’s the part of my CV
others will know more about than me)
don‘t be too upset
it happens to everybody