To those who will live

When I die
(I don‘t know when or how
- that’s the part of my CV
others will know more about than me)
don‘t be too upset
it happens to everybody

if I die in a bus accident
don‘t get trapped in regrets of
‚if only she stayed at home‘
or something like that

try to see
I was probably on my way home
from spending time with someone I loved
full of love and joy and satisfaction
or from some occasion I wanted to attend
that enlightened me with empowerment
and solidarity, inspiration
and strength that I needed

I needed traveling,
getting in touch with places and people
that made me see myself, my home, my life
more clearly
showed me options and ways
I always felt it important
to believe in the kindness of strangers
to see what happens
when nothing is planned
to explore how things work
how we can live in other ways

I couldn‘t have stayed at home
or I couldn‘t have lived

If I die because of a heart-attack
please do not think
‚She should have taken more care of her health‘;

Be aware:
My body is a miracle
(like anybody else’s)
that, by heartbeats and electronic signals,
by merging organic substances
and getting them arranged in improbable complex systems,
offers me the gift of consciousness
and the possibility of action, interaction
for an undefined or unknown time.
I‘ve never known for how long, but
I‘ve always known
this gift was only given for a certain time.
I am humble and breathless
towards this opportunity -
and it is me who gets to decide
how to use it.
I am the one in charge of my body
and my body is in charge of my life span
because we are one.

Keep in mind:
This is what living means.
And this is not of anyone else’s business.

If I die
because someone meant to harm me
I beg you not to get lost
in hate, mistrust

I tried to have faith in others
I‘ve met so much kindness,
generosity and solidarity
often unexpected
and for nothing in return
but mutual respect
and the shared will
that this is how life should be

I tried to fight
the systems of oppression,
the instruments that encourage mistrust
and separate us from each other,
the stories that make us strangers,
superiour or inferiour
instead of equals
that support each other

use your grief
to think about
the structures that encourage
or force people to do so
and what can be done
to break these structures apart
- this is the kind of justice
I‘d want to see
Justice is not blame nor revenge -
real justice is justice for all.

When I die
don‘t think
’she died too young‘
(whatever that will mean)

remind yourself
there was never a promise,
life doesn‘t follow a script.
My CV was never written
till my 80s, 90s, … in advance.
A wise friend recently said:
‚I planned my life till I was 20.
Every year after that
is just another bonus.‘
That’s pretty much how it is.

Keep in mind
our generation has seen so many disasters
(death caused by weapons,
malfunctioning technology,
nature, politics/economy,
dys?functional social systems, …),
experienced so much unsureness and crises,
knows some things are
lost, destroyed and damaged forever
- it seems very naive
to plan a silent, natural death at old age.

I want to let you know
Our linked ones
in the struggle against oppressions and hierarchies
have most always been aware
that planning our CVs ahead
is mostly in favour of exactly those:
‚Get educated to work properly!
Work hard so you can retire after!
Don‘t be a burden when you‘re not working any more!
Think of your life as an individual CV:
an individual list of success, confirmed by your company!
Put your carrier first!‘
We* refuse to function like that.
We* live and enjoy our* lives at all times,
we* don‘t wait for the good life to start
when we*‘re worthless to economy.
The paths of our* ways
and our* self-chosen works and contributions
are influenced by our* experience
which can‘t be prescribed.
The stories of our* lives evolve from our* lives.
We* can‘t be sure what will be
because we* don‘t have tomorrow’s experience yet.
We* see our* lives connected
to the ones of others
- to ones that live and the ones that have lived,
the ones who will live.

History is not an accumulation of individual CVs
but what we* decide to be part of
and how/where we* use our* power,
the time we were given.
We* see our* lives
as parts of the struggles for the better lives for all
connected to past and future
through the impacts of our *lives:
the imprints in the presents,
the stories of the past,
the change of the status quo for the future.

When I die
take your time to mourn

but don‘t get stuck
thinking: ’she died‘
because it means:
I have lived

and you are aware
of me
having lived

my life is part of (a) history

I am aware of that

and I am trying to leave traces
(as my contribution to the bigger picture)

so watch out for them
If you look closely
I am sure you can find them

- and yourself in their history