To most of the men* I slept with (second thoughts)

hello friend

I know there’s a lot of pressure
about how
a man should be
and I guess people keep telling you
it is you who has to enact that

I don‘t know
how you grew up
if you were told early on
that boys don‘t cry
or if you were loved being yourself
if you were raised
by a patriarch, a feminist mother
what you did learn from family and friends
if you watched only movies
that showed the bad boys
or if you read about other masculinities

you‘ve been told
and educated
and advised
and referred to
and pressured
and teased
and recognized
about, regarding, into, because of (your)
often enough
I am sure

I imagine
it can be tough
to fulfill or resist
this expectations
of coolness, distance, rationality, strength, independence, knowledge, heterosexual desire, self-control…

and that it might take
some trust,
an intimate relationship,
a private situation
to let go off this pressure
to dare not to enact all that
to experience some other sides

me too
I feel a lot of pressure
from all the million copies
of this one picture:
the weak woman
who gets attached
who needs someone
to wrap her thoughts and care and body and life around
or from her negative
the easy girl
who’s only there to get laid
who doesn‘t care who it is
she pleases today or tomorrow and doesn‘t seem to have a life
… (sorry for repeating this) …

to me it seems
that I have to scream ONE-NIGHT-STAND
in capital letters
one hundred times
before he* doesn‘t hear RELATIONSHIP anymore

I sometimes felt
I can‘t just hang out with him* after
for enjoying nice time together
without giving him the impression
he was the new focus of my life

I feel
I can hardly discuss
about a problem in poly-relationships
without him* hearing: I want you for myself alone

often it’s hard to imagine
he* does not suspect me
to want more
more than he does
more than a one-night-stand
more than occasional sex
more than friendship on our own terms
more than what I said I wanted

at the same time
it can seem hard to believe
that he* sees more in myself
than a satisfier of his* pleasure

occasionally I have doubts
if he*’s aware I have a life, opinions
a personality and history
with struggles and strength
with dignity and vulnerability
that I have standards and conditions
that I make choices and that I can fight

but this is so important to me
you know, I am a feminist
proud to be cool and rational, strong and independent, smart and with her own desires, and in control of the situation …

you see
we are bound to masculinist values
both of us, just from different directions

you to be seen as the picture expected from you
me not to be seen as the picture expected from me

but I‘m also proud
to be sensitive and emotional, incomplete and in dependence of each other, forever learning, being vulnerable and having trust in others

Can you see this in me?
Can you still recognize my feminist independence,
the matter of my opinion and personality
after we had sex?
Can you still trust our shared empathy and passion,
lighthearted joy and pleasure,
basic connection and mutual respect
after you read my critical analyses?

I need you to see both of these sides
And I have so many doubts
if it’s possible
Sometimes I will be sure
you can‘t
and since I know you have seen the popular, wrong picture
millions of times
I will need to remind you I‘m a feminist
so I can hold on to the possibility
that you actually can …

This world is so spoilt

I desire so much to imagine
how it would be
without this bias n shit n mistrust
just facing each other
as unique persons
that share joy n respect
in equality and excitement

We do not live in that kind of world
but there are few moments
when I can forget about that
just know you‘re totally here
just hear you say it’s nice to be here with you
just take a paff of smoke from your hand

and when I know you care about my (second) thoughts

It’s not always easy
being a feminist woman*
who gets involved with men*
but there is no way not to be feminist anymore
and there are still some men* I have faith in

my friend
please remember

my criticism might be hard sometimes
but it means I trust you to deal with it
I might be angry with you
because the world taught you to be like that and you compromised
but I‘ll always keep my basic respect for who you are
so together we can teach that spoilt world
how we will kick its ass.