„The Pressure I Feel is the Oppression I Resist“ – Stories About Liberation & Orientation Towards Male* Attention

8th of March, in my regular pub. I am ecstatically playing table soccer (which I rarely do) with a bunch of women* (who are rarely seen here). We just arrived from the Women*Lesbian*Trans*demonstration for Women*sFightDay. We‘ve been on the streets for more than one hour, raising our voices, claiming public space and attention. Some posters ‚advertised‘ the day with the slogan ‚Be careful with each other, so we can be dangerous together‘ and that was most definitely the demonstration’s spirit. Most of us came here afterwards, exhilarated by this powerful act. I was delighted, I felt great, like nothing could ever stop me from standing up and achieve what I aim for, as long as I know these people by my side.

Few by few guys dropped into this kind of liberated female*lesbian*trans*universe, first being only slightly noticed by myself, since I was involved in way more interesting discussions on my flt* table at the time. Yet hour by hour the endorphins of resistance went down and I found myself getting dragged back into the regular habits, hanging out with the same people I usually do, thus the (not) shared experience of the evening stepping back in mind.
Having the (now vanishing) contrary experience of flt* solidarity and cooperation so very present, I could witness the urge for male* attention flowing back into me. A few hours after my furious, proud march through the streets I realised: The patriarchy I‘m fighting is in my head.
It struck me like a hit in the stomach and it did hurt as much. How much would I have given in that very moment for getting rid of my hetero-orientation in the broadest meaning, my orientation towards male* attention.

Carriers of patriarchy we are, as long as we value male* attention more than flt*, and we must fight it not only on the streets but in ourselves as well.
I got quite confused and depressed the next day. ‚I‘m not made for this world‘ I thought, ‚for a world that aims to break my heart and personality, either to make me value male* attention over flt* and (hetero-) sexual relationships over nonsexuals – or die trying‘.
Why is a date with a (female*) person I‘ve been close with (in a nonsexual way) for years less valuable than a date with a (male*) person I don‘t really know but might might might get sexual with?! People keep telling me that, friends keep telling me that, without even noticing. And since they don‘t say it, bur rather act according to it, I can‘t speak up against it. Plus, it takes me time to get through to the message of their actions. I‘m not angry with them; there is no one I can blame, just patriarchy itself and he won‘t listen.

I don‘t (always) get these message (hidden within my surrounding’s actions) right away. What I get (most always) is the feeling of a door getting slammed in my face. The same door I‘ve made acquaintance of each time someone let me down for a(nother) person they (might) sleep with; each time a nonsexual relationship was treated as of no real importance; each time I clearly became ‚just a friend‘ or a nobody to someone I liked; each time someone lost interest in me for a ‚more interesting‘ person; each time someone neglected a nonsexual relationship due to ‚more important‘ things; each time a crush and/or friend turned out not to be willing/capable of dealing with issues of radical equality.
It doesn‘t matter if you don‘t intend to slam the door; if you promise to open it again soon; if you tell me I‘ll find a key or if you paint it fancy. I know that door; and it is slammed in my face at latest when competition for male* (sexual) attention comes up.

The less you collaborate with patriarchy
the harder it gets for you to survive in it.

And the moment I realised that
I stopped feeling all dead inside,
like a piece of the burden fell apart:

the pressure I feel
is the oppression I resist
the pressure I feel
is the power I have

[090314]

On my way home I saw some writings on the walls:
visions of a better world‘ and another:
STAY ALIVE
TRUE LOVE
LET FLOWERS GROW
‘.

The less you collaborate with patriarchy
the harder it gets for it to survive.

Thank you.