Under Pressure – Thoughts on (not) Having Sex II

Check your calender. Update your schedule. Keep up with your to-do-list. Look at your watch. Answer your emails, answer your phone. Fulfill your duties, think ahead, keep the overview. Keep sitting on your chair. Take the shortest way, no time to take a walk outside. It’s time to eat, you should feel hungry now. Time to go to bed, lots of things are waiting in the morning. It’s time to get up, can‘t rest, you need to check your calender …

Again you haven‘t found the time to meet that friend you promised to call two weeks ago; you‘re too tired to go outside now; you talked to someone you like on th street, but both of you were in a hurry; you wanted to write a letter months ago but haven‘t yet found the peace to focus on it and give it all the time and space that needs; you wanted to cook that special recipe but didn‘t want to do it alone and couldn‘t organize yet with a friend; and instead of going swimming you needed to work on this thing, all the time alone in front of your computer …

The movie you‘re watching in the end of the day is pure emotion and action – risky moves and body discipline, exploding things and everything that increases thrill until the total tension; or exploding feelings, people who seemingly spend all their lives in a constant switchover from being in love to jealousy, from rage to desperateness, from grief to revelation, from ecstasy to fear – all in motion, embodied emotion-hyper-thrill …
Of course all these ‚people‘ have sex. No matter if the plot is based on a romantic story and the protagonists finally fall in love … if someone is looking for adventures and ends up taking drugs, listening to rock‘n'roll … if the gangster did beat all his (let’s be pragmatic here – they are 99% male) enemies, blew up all cars and celebrates his victory with the ‚hot‘ woman he gained on top of all the money …
Sex is set a the highest point of tension, it’s shown as the mystical melting-into-each-other, the most intense state of body experience and happiness, the biggest sign of power and strength and the greatest reward.

And here you are. In front of the black screen.
And in the static emptiness of neutral flavor your scattered brain slowly starts wondering: What about all those promises? Promises of joy, intensity, a vivid life, with the perfect body, the perfect partner or at least the portion of thrill to let you know you are alive …

Have you ever thought about the reasons you (want to) have sex with someone?
Have you ever considered they might not be the ‚right‘ ones (regarding your needs)?

This is not a question of moral (as long as based on consent).
Sex just isn‘t a solution to everything. Maybe it’s something else you need.
Cause there are many different ‚reasons‘ to have sex with someone.
Some I can think of: feeling/experiencing your body – body contact – relaxing – distraction – being focused on something – experiencing ’strong feelings‘ – creating a nice ‚happening‘ – intimacy – create shared_positive_exclusive experiences – reassurance about a relationship, about your attractiveness, your body, your looks, your status – human bonding – experience own boundaries – the other person’s recognition – other people’s recognition – social pressure – as a sign of social success – following/breaking the rules, rebellion – doing something self-determined – for your own pleasure – to please the other person – feeling alive – having something to tell – exploring yourself – curiosity – loneliness – attention, care, comfort – sensation of power – forgetting everything else for a moment …

You can give it a try; but you might find out loneliness will be home when the one-night-stand is gone; jealousy and insecurity don‘t vanish through sex, nor does it chain someone’s mind or feelings onto you; your calender will still tell you to swallow your desires and feelings and function efficiently, no matter how much sex you can stuff into your free time.

I‘m pretty much ‚pro-sex‘ but it turns out only to be fun when the ‚context‘ is right. There are lots of needs and desires (as well as fears and insecurities) I experience – if I help myself being aware of them. There are lots of ways to deal with, satisfy or confront myself with them and it takes some practice figuring out which do best for each.
But working on exploring these and doing something about it makes my life much more vivid and satisfying.

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