What my Attitude Tells – Thoughts on (not) Having Sex I

Sometimes when I am frustrated about not having any sex with other people lately/on a regular basis, I need to be reminded I don‘t want to have just any sex with anyone.

„ … and people know by your attitude what kind of sex you want to have“ my friend said. Wait – what kind?! I stopped complaining for a moment, confused. What is that supposed to mean? …
I had been moaning to my friend about sleeping alone all the time; being fed up with the dilemma of either spoiling my chances with my too-confident-being-upright-not-girlish-enough attitude or being flirty-oh-my-god-you‘re-so-awesome-I-laugh-about-all-your-incredible-jokes-girlish and puking over my own behavior before I am drunk enough not to care anymore …
„But honestly, how many guys are there on an average night you would like to have sex with…?“ she asks. Well. Hm. Interesting enough to check out? Some. Considering flirting with? Few. Kissing? Hard to tell. Have sex with? „Argh, alright. Usually there aren‘t any I would really go for.“ And keeping in mind the consequences you need to deal with afterwards, especially if you don‘t know them very well – or worse, if you do knot them well – and you‘ll meet them all the time … All that figuring out, makes you think twice if it’s worth risking the trouble …

„ … know what kind of sex you want to have.“
It’s true, thinking about it … it never did cross my mind what I regard basic to sexual interaction might not meet any body’s ideas. But of course, in a way I have a quite clear idea about “what kind” of sex I want to have – and I‘m not speaking technically here, I‘m thinking of base lines like respect, equality, empathy: being sensitive about the other person’s reactions, needs, joys … – as well as paying attention to your owns … creating an atmosphere of confidence, intimacy and (shared!) responsibility … feeling safe with each other but exploring unknown at the same time … being into it but laid back enough for all the awkward moments (when things don‘t work as planned, unexpected breaks need to be taken, communication is clumsy or the mood falls asleep – etc.) – well, being passionate and careful with each other.
Yes, ok, I have a rather clear impression of what I want (and I might not find that at the next bar table). I did have it before and I refuse to desire any less than that.
Of course these expectations might not be fulfilled (no surprise if you don‘t get the chance to get to know each other very well, experience with a partner can make much of a difference) … but at least I need to be able to imagine it, right?!

So … I need to admit a lack of sexual encounters doesn‘t (necessarily) mean the world is cruel; it can also be seen as a sign of healthy base lines. As stated before: I have a rather clear impression of what I want and I refuse to desire any less than that.

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